This is post is the conversation I had with the Lord yesterday as I just really reflected on who He is and the closing message in Hosea at church Sunday and just how He loves us so much!
Just as the title says, this is my life. My insecurities, my struggles, and How God has responded in the midst of my pain and my trials. Enjoy!
As I was awakened, in emotional turmoil, struggling with understanding as to why there was pain in the first place, I dared to speak–to even dedicate the life and heart to You.And then came the tears.
I didn’t understand why they were there, but soon after came the insecurities mixed in with the memories of encouragement.
A speck in the background, blending in with everything else, is how I described myself.
You are not. Was Your response.
At that time, there was no insecurity, those words were spoken in Jest…but You saw what I did not see, and directed Your words to the heart of the issue.
Today I realized my heart is the issue.
Those words, though lies, felt true and real to me for such a long time. I realized this day, that perhaps my heart still felt it was true.
I am the “speck.” I think to myself.
You are not.
At Your response I thank You for the encouragement and replay the words in my mind, tracing back to those few–those closest to me–that You used to encourage me.
“Yet still,” I tell myself, “I must be the speck. For no one notices me. I am constantly overlooked. As ignored as the trees while you’re jogging, as hated as the annoying song bird in the morning when you want to sleep in, as unloved as the pair of socks at Christmas when you wanted an x-box, as insignificant as the wrapping paper…”
You are not the “speck.”
My parents think I am the speck. How else could they watch me go? How could they not fight for me? How could they not want me, or love me?
My sister thinks I am the “speck.” I’m not even human to her. Not even her sister.
Her little sister who used to beat up boys with my backpack for her; her little sister who’d always make up stupid songs and crack the dumbest jokes and be the only one laughing; her little sister who’d she fight with only to end up play fighting with later. I’m not her sister, not even human.
I am the speck.
I just wanted someone who would love me for who I am. Someone who would recognize the significance, but who wouldn’t use it for their own gain. Someone who loves me, despite my faults.
I looked everywhere for them. I looked everywhere for that love!
I didn’t find it in my own family, though I kept searching there anyway.I never dated because I couldn’t find that love in the boys I liked. They never liked me I was the speck.
I couldn’t find that love in my friends, but I kept them because the were searching, too! I wanted to share it with them when I found it…
I hid myself in music to escape from the world…
I escaped into books and recreated a new world.
I hid in musical instruments until they were taken from me, then I hid in poems and drawings.
I hid in broken dreams. I hid in shadows.
I hid in my mind to escape the sorrows, but even there the sorrows found me.
I became nothing. I am not the “speck.” I’m even less than that…
I have nothing and no one and all I have is nothing and all I will ever have is nothing…
And yet, I dared to dream that one day that love I was looking for would appear.
It took me ten years for me to notice You; ten years to start believing in You again.
You appeared to me in music, the very thing that separated me from You; You spoke to me in song.
As I spent my day waiting You said to me:
How long will you continue on in this way, holding on to all these lies?
How long until you let them go?
How long until you embrace Me?
How long until you let Me lead you, until you let Me heal you, until you let Me love you?
I cannot explain how I knew that the voice I heard was You. The words in the song spoke to me, but the words I heard were not the words that were sung.
Deep in my soul I heard Your Call, I heard Your Voice, then I remembered Your name: Jesus.
I spoke Your name for the first time in years, but when I spoke it, I understood finally that You are the true Love that I’ve been looking for.
I remember the excitement. I shared You with everyone! I shared You with family and friends. I shared You with roommates. I shared you with EVERYONE!
And then…they left me…everyone. And I was truly alone, or perhaps I was always alone.
You were never alone.
I realized that I never had my parents…
You always have Me.
I realized that I never belonged…
You’ve always belonged to Me.
I realized that they never loved me. No one ever did…
I always have.
I know that now, but you’re the only One who ever will, and I know that now too. I keep forgetting, and end up looking to the World for things I’ll never find. I’m sorry. I always forget. I always go back to being the “speck.”
You are not the “speck.” You were never the “speck.”
Then who am I?
You are my child; you belong to Me.
Its really hard adjusting to having everything in You that I needed before and never received because I was looking to the World. Yet, I believe I have seen the difference in many situations and interactions with Your children, spending time with Your family, and growing in You with them.
Its especially difficult in the holiday season; its such an awkward time for me. And yet, You took notice and extended an invitation. I’m so glad I accepted it!
I’ve never been to such a place at Christmas before. It was a beautiful family environment, a true family environment, where You really are the Center and Your love shines through. I’ve never seen that before, I’ve never had that.
You have it now. You belong to Me.
I was accepted by people who should’ve treated me like a stranger, but I was treated like a stranger by those who should have accepted me: That day I truly saw a stark contrast between You and the World, between True Love and the World’s love, between Your children and the World’s children, between Your light and the World’s darkness.
I was overwhelmed and extremely grateful. I didn’t want to say anything, I was afraid it wouldn’t be real anymore. And then, when it was time, I didn’t want to go home.
They felt like family to me; more familial than my own family. But they’re not my family, so I had to go home…
But I missed that, the family environment:
being able to call my mom for something stupid. Being able to chillax with my big sister and play with my nieces, babysitting the youngest. I miss the random retarded conversations with my little sisters, I even miss the fights.
I missed the much hated red velvet cake mom made every year. I miss playing random instruments for my grandma–especially the keyboard! She was always the first to hear.
I missed my dad’s terrible jokes, and how he always sang random stupid songs while he cooked or while we cleaned. I miss hearing his weird music that I secretly liked. I miss playing Magic with him, and tag teaming on James Bond games. I miss eating the random treats he brought back from work and watching the Simpsons and Seinfeld.
I miss the embarrassing nicknames that I never liked. I miss all the crazy cats he allowed me to keep, and being able to laugh at all of our crazy mistakes, and the times I slipped down the stairs because my fat cat wouldn’t move. I miss having a family…
You have a family in Me. Your True family are those who belong to Me.
I think I understand that now, but for a while I couldn’t see it, yet I dared to hope…I’m starting to see it now. Thank You.
I have so many insecurities and broken pieces in my heart; I truly can’t tell what’s good and what’s bad. I assume its all bad, so I trust in You instead. The sad part is not knowing whether or not I’m truly trusting in You. How messed up I am to not know the difference!
I life these broken pieces to You, my self, my family and one other…
I hate liking boys–or at this age I suppose I should say, “I hate liking men!”
I don’t like how I start to think, how my thoughts start to gravitate towards whether or not they like me back.
“How could he,” I remind myself. “He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him.”
I always seem to bring these cases to You more than any other. I don’t like it when my insecurities rise to the surface. I tend to deny they exist, to also deny that I like anyone. I used to just run from the truth, but I realized I also ran from You. So this time I ran to You. This time I admitted it; I admit it: I like this boy, but I also don’t know this boy.
So, I prayed for the opportunity to get to know him, for the strength to trust in You and allow You to lead me, to lead us. To establish a friendship between us where You are the Center of that friendship, where You are glorified, where You are magnified.
I prayed for this, and never seized a single opportunity.
I was always too afraid and the words wouldn’t come, or he was in a hurry and left quickly, or I was in a hurry. When I mustered some confidence in You, remembering that, if You’re in control, if You’re drawing us near, I couldn’t possibly mess it up, and I still couldn’t get out anything past “Hi” and a smile. I couldn’t think of anything else to say and felt awkward, so it was left at that.
Yet still, I never felt that I missed an opportunity, instead I ended up discovering something greater–little things that, had I been enslaved (yet again) to my emotions instead of led by Your hand–I would have overlooked.
Like…his randomness, or perhaps more accurately, his short attention span. It was so hilarious to truly notice this. I’ve seen it before, but its different when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone and when you’re just observing.
I was gathering the courage to talk to him, then I was seeking the opportunity and it was hilarious! One second he was there, and I’d blink and he’d be gone. Then I’d be searching for him, find him again, only to lose sight of him again! So, I’d look for him, yet again, get distracted my self, get undistracted and see him…heading out the door. Ah well! xD
Its so funny! Experiencing this, I discovered why my mom was so angry with me. I do the exact same thing! The difference is that I know my thought patterns, but I cannot discern his at all.
There is also his smile. I smile just thinking about it! I was so blessed one time with an opportunity to see the most joyful smile I’ve ever seen on his face! So thankful to You for that! We didn’t really talk, but what I discovered was far better than any awkward conversation I could’ve made up. This is what happens when I let You lead, instead of taking over: I learn to appreciate the little thing I otherwise would have taken for granted.
But the greatest and most important of all, was the discovery of my own heart, the discovery of my inability to truly love him. That was revealed to me when You provided me with such an awesome opportunity to not only support and encourage him, but also to rediscover a part of him that I’ve seen before, but so long ago that only the shadow of the memory remained. And as I observed, and as I discovered, I realized something.
I remember saying to You:
“Lord, I am so thankful to You for allowing me to see this side of him again. To see him at his most comfortable, but simultaneously it seems, at his most vulnerable. It’s so cool how You’ve poured into him and encouraged him in this and how You’ve helped him grow. It’s so cool to see that passion that he has for this…but I realize Lord, that I could never truly love him. I’m too selfish, too self-centered. I’ll only take from him, I’ll only destroy him. I only want, and I want selfishly. I am incapable of anything else.
I’m not the one for him, I’m not right for him. My heart is black and poisonous and all I can do is corrupt him. So, I will let him go. I believe its best. He is Yours, he always was.”
And this is true.
I’m completely selfish. Every thought I’ve ever had was selfish, and my prayers, too, I’m sure were selfish in nature.
But, Lord, I pray please love him for me. Love him as You always have, but love him for me too. For I desire to, but I am incapable. Love him for me because I can’t.
To be more accurate though, I can’t love anyone, not just him, so love them all for me. Love them all through me.
I pray that whomever he loves is a woman who loves You above all else; a woman who fears You, but also a woman who could truly love him for who he is, for who he really is right then, not later.
I am thankful to You, Lord, for everything! For all the times You’ve helped me especially in my weakest states. For Your kindness and understanding, for Your patience and guidance. Thank You for listening and teaching me, for humbling me and placing me in such situations where I am humbled because I am a prideful and arrogant person. Thank You for the relationships you’ve blessed me with: believers and nonbelievers alike! Thank You for the family I get to fellowship with every Sunday, for my sisters I get to see every Tuesday, for helping me let go of those idols and fully embrace You as my true God.
Thank You for loving me though I don’t deserve it, for sticking by me even when I don’t notice, for showing me how dark my heart is and how great my need is for You. Thank You for the discipline, for the fun times and the hard times. For the laughs and the tears, for being my Peace and Joy.
Thank You for becoming real and personal to me when You could have easily remained an idea or words on a page. Thank You for being my Father, and for accepting a useless Speck as Your child. Thank You for cleansing me, for noticing me when others won’t, for listening when others don’t, and for loving me sacrificially.
The ones who should love me don’t, but You do.
Thank You for reminding me that I’m not entitled to anything; for teaching me that I don’t have “rights” I have privileges.
I am privileged to life. I am privileged to fellowship with other believers. I am privileged to know You and to call you “Abba, Father.” I am privileged to have spent an awesome Christmas with an awesome family. I am privileged to share You with the world.
So enable me to do so, I pray. So guide me down this path that You’ve forged for me in advance. So help me fulfill the task You’ve purposed for me, to do what You’ve called me to do. Help me to be less like me and more like You. Help me give up my heart and its evil desires, and to seek Yours instead.
May this life, and every detail of it, every trial I face, May every song of praise, may every relationship I have, and those I do not have, may all of my interactions with people, may every gift You’ve blessed me with, may every word I speak, may everything I do bring glory and honor to Your name, forever and ever. Amen.